Guest Columnist: John's Oscars by Decade: The Best and the Worst of the Best

1927-1939 Rank – 4^th

Best Best Picture: It Happened One Night

Worst Best Picture: Cimarron

Sure, this decade gave us some monumental films, but also a lot of mediocre ones (The Life of Emile Zola). (Jami's Note - You used to own Emile Zola!) “It Happened One Night” is perhaps the most perfect romantic comedy ever devised, while “Cimarron” is a dull movie with a great opening sequence. Why not “Gone With the Wind”? It’s overrated and overproduced. Take that Mr. O. Selznick! (Jami’s note – that is categorically untrue)

1940-1949 Rank 2^nd

Best Best Picture: Casablanca

Worst Best Picture: Gentleman’s Agreement

It’s hard to find a bad film in here. It was a race between “How Green” and “Gentleman’s”. Although the first is long a tedious, the second aged very badly, hence my pick. (Jami’s note – Gregory Peck is rolling over in his grave!) Also, “Valley” is gorgeously shot. For the rest of the movies, most are incredible Hollywood classics, and “Casablanca” is perhaps the Best Best Picture of all time.

1950-1959 Rank – 6^th (tie)

Best Best Picture: On the Waterfront

Worst Best Picture: Around the World in 80 Days

The 50’s were hit and miss. 5 films were brilliant, 5 were terrible. I had to go with “On the Waterfront” over “Eve” for sheer iconography. Although “Greatest Show” is one of the three very worst, “Around the World” is almost unwatchable. It even has a Three Stooges cameo! At least “Greatest Show” you can get drunk to. (Jami’s note – Ben Hur is the crappiest piece of crap ever and Around the World is somewhat enjoyable. He’s crazy)

1960-1969 Rank – 3^rd

Best Best Picture: Lawrence of Arabia

Worst Best Picture: Oliver!

Once again, it’s a decade where not much went wrong. Many people hate “Tom Jones”. I don’t, and Jami must deal with that. (Jami’s note - OK) “Oliver!” is decent, but not really impressive. However, I had a hard time going with “Lawrence” over “Apartment”, “West Side” or “Cowboy”, but I think it’s the right call.

1970-1979 Rank – 1^st

Best Best Picture: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Worst Best Picture: Kramer vs. Kramer

Holy crap! What a decade! The 70’s may not be good for much, but it’s a goldmine of movies. My choices were purely gut instincts. “Cuckoo” beat out everything else because it’s the only one that moves me on many emotional levels. “Kramer” drops away because it doesn’t age as well as the others. But choosing between “Patton”, both “Godfather”s, “Sting”, “Connection”, “Cuckoo”, “Annie Hall”, “Deer Hunter”, “Rocky” and “Kramer”, your guess is as good as mine. (Jami’s note – no, my guess is better. Kramer is still awesome and the painful Derr Hunter is a snooze fest)

1980-1989 Rank – 5^th

Best Best Picture: Amadeus

Worst Best Picture: Chariots of Fire

The worst was a real close call between “Chariots” and “Miss Daisy”, but at least Daisy was entertaining. This decade had a lot of overlong prestige pictures (Gandhi, anyone?), but at least one biopic got is solidly right: “Amadeus”. This also is on a short list of the Best Best Pictures Ever.

1990-1999 Rank – 6^th (tie)

Best Best Picture: Schindler’s List

Worst Best Picture: The English Patient

“Schindler” would have probably won it anyway, but it didn’t have a lot of competition. Like the 50’s, the decade was half good (“Shakespeare”, “Lambs”), half bad (“Dances with Wolves”, “Braveheart”). Ultimately “English Patient” won out (or lost) for being the most boring of the bunch. I still don’t get why it won.

2000-2008 Rank – Last

Best Best Picture: The Return of the King

Worst Best Picture: Crash

This decade could have been one of the best of all, but it was constantly upended by ridiculous choices. This was the hardest to pick a worst (so many to choose), but ultimately “Crash” was crappier than “Baby” or “Gladiator”. It was also hard to pick a best, even with the recent additions. The reason I went for “Return of the King” is because I ultimately think is will be regarded as more of a “classic” to the general movie-going public than others like “Departed”, “No Country” or “Slumdog”. To illustrate what could have been, imagine this possible Best Picture list, replacing some winners with other nominees in the same year.

2000 Traffic (or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

2001 A Beautiful Mind (or In the Bedroom, or Moulin Rouge) (Jami’s note- Moulin Rouge? … Seriously???)

2002 The Pianist (or Gangs of New York) (Jami’s note – Not Gangs of New York! Anything but that!)

2003 The Return of the King

2004 Sideways (or the Aviator, or Finding Nevereland)

2005 Brokeback Mountain (or Good Night and Good Luck, or Capote)

2006 The Departed

2007 No Country for Old Men (or Juno)

2008 Slumdog Millionaire

Kind of makes you cry, doesn’t it?

Sean's Oscar Summary

Well, you may know, that last night was the Oscars. We snacked. We watched. We laughed. We shoveled snow. I may not be the Oscar Nazi, but for the first time, I’m contributing to the annual round-up.

The telecast was as awesome as it was boring. The party was just plain awesome.

Hugh Jackman was tremendous as host and his opening number was one of the best in Oscar history (“I am Wolverine!”). Doing the low-budget sets and including the “Craig’s List Dancers” was inspired. Pulling Anne Hathaway up on stage to play Richard Nixon was genius.

Unfortunately, his second musical number sucked the life out of every musical ever made (except “An American in Paris.” That movie has no life, it just sucks). Seriously, we can’t see the paltry three best song nominees performed in full but we have twenty minutes for this piece of crap? In the end, we found out that it was a Baz Luhrmann production, which makes sense. When that was announced, the whole room when “Ahhhhh… O-kaaay….” But I longed for his signature ferret-on-speed editing that usually accompanies his dance numbers.

The life was also sucked out of the telecast when the Best-Supporting-Actress-Winner-Ya-Ya-Sisterhood came out to give wedding toasts to this year’s nominees. They went on to do it for all the acting categories and wow, was that awful . Who came up with this idea?

“Let’s see… the two biggest complaints about the Oscars is that a.) it’s too long of a long show and b.) has too many long boring speeches. I know: let’s add 20 more boring speeches! That’ll keep the adrenalin up!” Am I the only one who felt that they should have been holding a flute of champagne up as they spoke? At least we didn't hear from the President of the Academy, or worse yet, the accountants.

Other presenters were more entertaining. It seemed to me when they tossed their Vilanchesque scripts into the trash and went their own way, it was gold. Especially Tina Fey & Steve Martin. Also notable was Ben Stiller’s Joaquin Phoenix impression in his hillbilly beard, staring off and wandering around the stage.

Everyone will be talking about the short where Seth Rogan & James Franco revived their “Pineapple Express” characters. A Cheech & Chong for a new millennium. Except for the fact that Rogan & Franco are funny.

They ruined the death montage – I didn’t even mind Queen Latifah singing over it. What I minded was that instead of showing the montage, they showed a collection of TVs showing the montage with weird angles and moving cameras. It was annoying and distracting. Plus: we want the applause-o-meter!

The memorable moments:
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto – Did this guy make a bet or something? “Dude, if I win, I’ll say it for, like, $500.”

Philippe Petit balancing an Oscar on his chin - Yes, I believe that will be shown at least as often as the one-armed push-up.

Another no-show – Despite his winning streak, Heath ledger still refuses to show up for these award cera-… I’m sorry?... He what?... When?... –never mind.

And how much am I loving that Jack Nicholson was not in the front row. He was never on camera. Was he even there? Did he boycott when he found out that he wouldn’t be treated like royalty? The least likely explanation: he got over himself.

By now you know who won and how everyone pretended to cry when Heath won just in case they were on camera, so I won’t go into all that.

The Party:

Despite a killer snow storm (really, it’s killin’ my back) we had our best Oscar Party turnout yet. And we had a crowd that was really into it. For the first time, over ½ the guests stayed for the entire show! When things got slow, we made fun of things getting slow… or refilled our punch.

It’s always a good sign when the punch runs out before ten.

Jami & Gianna out-did themselves this year. Yummy treats from Tricky Dicks to Heath’s Posthu-Mousse Award. And I’m rolling in leftovers! Woo-Hoo! The Best Snack winner was The Curious Taste of Benjamin’s Buttons. (Click here for the entire menu w/ recipes).

Anne, Cedric Diggory, Jay & Erica put their lives at risk by enduring the long trek through a killer (did I mention my back?) snowstorm to attend. We also had Stephanie & Jami (not my wife, another Jami w/ the same spelling) driving… but they’re local, so they get props, just not as many. Dianne and Saffron drove, but the get no props because they could have walked. (Jami's note: and TRACY! Wonderful, sweet Tracy who traversed the longest road to our party, though avoided the storm, is ALWAYS a wonderful Oscar party attendee!)

We really had a funny, sarcastic crowd and it made the Oscars so much more fun. That’s how you watch the Oscars. Otherwise, the boring parts become painfully boring.

Thanks to all for coming. For those who couldn’t make it, maybe next year. And thanks to Jami & Gianna for all their hard work. Now let’s hope 2009 gives us better Oscar movies!

Hoo-ah!

OK, my wife covered that it is Oscar night. So, I'm covering... Hoo-Bingo!... Scent of a Woman.

Yes, we viewed this God-awful movie again last night with drinks in hand. We tried to play a Hoo-Ah! drinking game but couldn't keep up.

For those unfamiliar: Al Pacino, in an Oscar-winning turn, plays a cantankerous ex-military recluse with an unsettling familiarity with the women's perfumes and soaps. He drags a prep-school weekend caregiver out for his last hurrah, (stay at a nice hotel, see his brother to apparently piss him off, screw a hooker and kill himself).

Here's what kills me about this movie: people see it as a prestige picture. Not only do they like it, they think it is a high-quality film (not even a movie, a film). What is wrong with people?

Why if I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a flamethrower to this script! Here is some of the actual Oscar-nominated dialogue:

"Her number tastes like Albany."
"He drives so smooth you can boil an egg on the engine block."
"You're in no position disagree with me, boy. I got a loaded .45 here. You got pimples. "
"You've got integrity Charlie. I don't know whether to shoot you or adopt ya."
"Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways."
"...there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that."

And, of course, my personal favorite:
"I can't chew the leather anymore. So why should I share in the tribes provisions? I mean,
there's no one... wants to tear a herring with me anymore."
What the F**K does that mean!?!?!?!

Seriously, there's at least 10 other quotes that I omitted because I didn't want to take up too much of your time. Plus, you really should be drinking to read more of them.

Don't get me wrong, this movie is hilarious. Pacino's performance is so hammy, even Christians can't watch it during Passover.

But how can it be acclaimed? It's not even something that people look back on and say, "well, at the time we thought it was good... but now?" No. I talk to people about Scent of a Woman and they are all up in my grill: "That's a great movie! Pacino is fantastic in that!"

Is it because we live in a Wal-Mart America where crap is hailed? Is it because of the best publicity campaign ever? I don't know. It's a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a Hoo-ha!, and dipped in Jack Daniels.

Either way, it's a great margarita movie. And if you love this movie: re-watch it. Seriously. You need to revisit this with fresh eyes.

Hoo-Bingo!

The Big Night

Well, we're all a little fuzzy headed after last night's "Hoo aaah" fest. Seriously, if you cut the "Hoo aaahs" out of "Scent of a Woman," the movie's like 3 minutes long. Still, the big day has finally arrived. The fridge is over stuffed, there are coolers and crock pots full of food chilling on the porches. Dishes aplenty are stacked here and there. Sean's awesome signs have been printed out. (It's worth attending the party just to see these things.) We're very excited. Even a pending snowstorm hasn't dampened our attendees' spirits. Every single out-of-towner is still coming and we are duly impressed. If you're not lucky enough to be among the party-goers, don't forget to print out your picks and play along at home. Results, as well as the snacks, recipes, and various highlights will be posted here tomorrow morning.

Have a great Oscar night, and don't forget to "Hoo aaah" at least once today!

-Oscarnazi J

Guest Columnist: Gianna's Best & Worst for 2008

The Best

Slumdog Millionaire

A practically perfect film. One of the few films this year that I walked away completely bowled over. Danny Boyle is fast becoming one of my favorite directors, with his wide directing range. Every scene in this film perfectly builds to it’s very satisfying end. Just brilliant.

WALL-E

Have I said lately how completely in awe I am with Pixar? As an animated movie junkie, I have grown so disheartened by the glut of slapdash animated films. Thankfully, Pixar seems committed to bringing gorgeously animated films that actually have a great story at the base. WALL-E does what Happy Feet wanted to do, but couldn’t-tell an environmental story to children. It does so by wrapping it around a beautiful little love story, and it never feels at any moment like it’s hitting you over the head with it’s message.

Milk

Milk could have very easily been a big message film, your typical Oscar bio-pic of (fill-in minority of your choice) rises up only to be shot down. Instead we have very human face put on Harvey Milk, showing who he was and not focusing exclusively on what he did. Van Sant expertly weaves documentary footage, with faithfully recreated scenes. Go watch the great documentary Times of Harvey Milk, (either before or after) and your appreciation will undoubtedly increase.

Man on Wire

One of the best documentaries I saw this year, a thrilling reminiscence of one man’s obsession. Like Touching the Void, you are on the edge of your seat-even though you full well know that everything turns out okay. Ultimately there’s something very uplifting that stays with you long after you’ve seen the film

The Fall
This film just blew me away! I am an unapologetic sucker for visually stunning films. Some of my favorite directors have incorporated stunning art direction into their films (Kubrick, Gilliam, Burton, Jeaunet & Caro). I loved Tarsem’s first film The Cell, which had some of the most creepy visuals I’ve seen in a long time. The Fall continues his wonderful visual style, while telling a very sweet story. What’s even more impressive is the director’s claim that not one CGI effect was used.


The Worst

The Women

I wasn’t sure if contemporary filmmakers could pull off the catty bitch-fest that is The Women, and I was right. What’s even more disheartening is that a good amount of the film is almost word-for-word recreations of the play and film. However, Diane English decides that she’s going to use the film to make a warm fuzzy comment on sisterhood in the 21st century. Sorry, this ain’t that film. Claire Booth Luce’s play is a vicious attack on the New York society women she encountered in the 30’s, not a ‘no matter what happens, I’ll always have my girlfriends’ story. Let’s be honest too, with all the strides we have made as women, we have all encountered this ‘type’ of woman. More obsessed with some other woman’s misfortune, gossipy, placing a premium on the men in their life. It’s like ordering a completely decadent dinner and then getting some meager Weight Watcher meal. Ick.

An American Carol

The biggest crime any comedy can have is to be completely unfunny and this film has it in spades. Even though I am an unapologetic ‘secular progressive liberal’ from the ‘evil’ state of Vermont, I would have no problem with a right wing comedy if it was actually funny. This one isn’t. In a nutshell-Michael Moore (well they call him Michael Malone, but really), wants to start a ban on July 4th. In true Dickensian fashion, he’s shown the error of his ways by our past political figures-JFK, George Patton, George Washington and Trace Adkins(Yup, Trace). At the base is the common (and obnoxious) notion that if you differ from the far right, then you’re clearly anti-American, immoral etc. etc. There’s also a completely ridiculous scene in which Bill O’Rielley (playing himself) is just as polite (yes POLITE) to ridiculous Mr. Moore. Yeah, this is a man who attacked the son of a 9-11 victim-just.don’t.buy.it. The film is so busy hitting you over the head with its message ‘Conservatives-Good, Liberals-Bad’, that it forgets to be funny. That’s more offensive than any of it’s idealogy.

Hounddog

The infamous ‘Dakota Fanning gets raped movie’. It’s just one long ugly depressing film. Over-done, over-acted and pointless. There’s a reason it went straight to video.

Expelled

The documentary about Intelligent Design, except it’s really not. I was expecting, and hoping that this little doc would actually make a case for why Intelligent Design, should be considered a valid scientific theory and not just Creationism wrapped up in a spanky new name. No it’s more a parade of people saying ‘I put my name on a Intelligent Design Webspace and now I lost my job.’ Which is a great kickoff point, but it doesn’t go much farther than that. Yes we can see the victims of the ‘Science Elite’, but we never hear anything to validate I.D. as a practical scientific theory.

Guest Columnist: Gianna's Year End Awards

Since the two of us don't get out much anymore - thanks to our beloved child - we're handing over the reins to share Gianna's thoughts about the year in movies that was 2008:

The Films

Best Picture(tie)

WALL-E/Slumdog Millionaire

Worst Picture

The Women

One Film I Never Considered Seeing for a Moment(tie)

Witless Protection/Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Thank God Eli Roth took some time off this year or it would have been a three-way tie.

Most Enjoyable Flick

Tropic Thunder

Best Guilty Pleasure Movie

Mamma Mia

There’s something very enjoyable watching Oscar winners/nominees shed there dignity with such abandon

Best Picture I Thought Would Be Bad

Tropic Thunder

Best Film for Film Geeks

The Fall

Watch this visual feast and remind yourself, there is absolutely no CGI in it.

Most Over-hyped Film

The Dark Knight

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very good flick, but it had some serious time issues and too much story. Nowhere near the masterpiece that some make it out to be.

Most Quotable Flick

Tropic Thunder

‘Never go full retard.’

Most Unecessary Remake

Made of Honor

Most Unecessary Sequel

Rambo

It’s kind of like watching Lucille Ball doing slapstick in her seventies.

Best Margarita Movie

W.

Actually, our first ‘in house’ margarita flick. Come on, what other film about George W. is going to have homo-erotic scenes. Thanks Oliver!

Most Pointless Film

Pineapple Express

Maybe the end had a point, but at the hour and half mark I was so bored I shut it off.

Film that Could Have Been So Much Better

The Changeling

Again, Eastwood takes a really cool story and drains the life out of it.

Worst Trailer

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

The first time I saw it, a part of my soul died.

Film I am Still Waiting Patiently to See

Frost/Nixon

The Directors

Best Director (tie)

Andrew Stanton-WALL-E &Danny Boyle-Slumdog Millionaire

Worst Director

Diane English-The Women

Just.Plain.Awful.

Director Who Needs to Keep Making Movies

Tarsem-The Fall

Again, gorgeous fluid filmmaking.

Director Who Needs to Stop Making Movies

David Zucker

American Carol, Scary Movie 4, Scary Movie 3, My Boss’s Daughter. Nuff said.

The Actors

Best Actor

Richard Jenkins-The Visitor

Best Actress

Kate Winslet-The Reader

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Downey Jr.-Tropic Thunder

Best Supporting Actress

Penelope Cruz-Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Actor I Want to See More Of (tie)

James Franco-Pineapple Express/Milk, Josh Brolin-W./Milk

Actor/Actress I Never Get Tired of Seeing

Robert Downey Jr.-Iron Man/Tropic Thunder

Pray to the Gods that he stays sober!

Worst Actor

Kevin Farley-American Carol

Worst Actress

Angelina Jolie-The Changleing

What you want Angelina? ‘I want my son!!’

There, that’s the performance

Actor/Actress Who Needs to Go Far Away

Larry the Cable Guy

Seriously, what IS the appeal?

Best Performance by An Actor in a Mediocre Movie

Steve Coogan-Hamlet 2

Best Cameo

Benny & Bjorn-Mamma Mia

And All the Rest

Best Title

Slumdog Millionaire

Best End Credits

Slumdog Millionaire

Best Song

Jai Ho-Slumdog Millionaire

Saddest News of the Year

The news that John Waters was unsuccessful in getting funding for his Christmas Picture.

Best Red Carpet Moment

James Franco at the SAG Awards.

The bemused/disgusted look on Franco’s face when and interviewer asked him if it was hard to do the kissing scenes with Sean Penn was priceless.

Best Awards Show Moment

Angelina Jolie’s pissy scowl at every awards show.

You would have thought someone told her there were no more third world children to adopt.

Best Use of Special Effects

The Fall

Again, absolutely no CGI

Mini Review: Slumdog Millionaire

Yes, the streak continues! With very special thanks going out to our very good friends - and Ryan's favorite sometimes-babysitters, Lynne & Forest, we were able to see at least one of the nominated Best Pictures before the awards ceremony. Nothing like cutting it close, huh?

So, is it even worth mentioning at this point that "Slumdog Millionaire" was really good? It's won just about every major award at this point and is by far the front runner to take home the Oscar for Best Picture on Sunday. Even Jon Stewart has been pimping its virtues as opposed to those of "Benjamin Button. ("Is the old baby OK?") But in a way, it was surprising to see such a fresh, simple movie when you go to see an Oscar contender. This is no sweeping epic with a soaring score and cast of thousands. There's no "I never learned to read" moment. It's hard to say there is no weighty subject matter when the movie takes place amidst the bleakest landscape of abject poverty - it's enough to make even the most jaded of us thank our lucky stars we live in America. Still, it's handled so matter-of-factly. This is the reality of living in Mumbai. Never do you feel as though they are stacking the deck in order to manipulate your emotions.

Everything was impeccably done: performances, editing, cinematography, casting. It even has great closing credits. So if you haven't yet checked it out, and you can wrangle some awesome babysitters, do so. You won't be disappointed.

The Second Best Awards Show of the Year

One of the best things about the Oscars, it that it comes hard on the heels of the Razzies! The Golden Raspberry Awards honor the Worst of filmdom every year the day before the Oscars pick the best. It's always fun to peruse the year's nominees. There's always the easy choices (nominating Paris Hilton for worst actress for "The Hottie and the Nottie?" Doesn't she have to be considered an "actress" for that to work? Did that "film" even play in any theaters?) but the real fun is seeing what current or former scared cows have been taken down a few pegs. Perhaps the most notable example was when Halle Berry was nominated for Worst Actress for "Catwoman." She "won" that year and actually showed up to accept her prize - a move which has endeared me to her for life.

This year's nominees feature a pretty good walk down bad memory lane... remember "The Love Guru?" Remember how atrocious Pierce Brosnan's singing was in "Mamma Mia?" Still trying to reattach your retinas after seeing the "Speed Racer" commercials? Or trying to reattach your jaw after seeing Shia LaBouf swinging on vines through the jungle in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?" Aaaah, the precious memories just come flooding back.

Bad movies definitely have their merits. Many know that Gianna and we have our own bad movie circle where we get together and watch what we've dubbed, "Margarita movies." You see, with enough alcohol, "Battlefield Earth" might be the best 2 hours you've spent with a film! And the most satisfying of all Margarita movies come when it is an Oscar winner (and there's more than you might think.) This Razzie night, we will be observing "Oscar Eve" with a viewing of Al Pacino's Best Actor-winning turn in "Scent of a Woman." We hope we're not too hungover to prepare for the party the following day.

"Hoo Bingo," indeed.

My Top 10 "Least Favorite" Best Pictures

As a diligent Oscarnazi, I've made it a point to watch all the Best Pictures from the Academy's history. Some have been more painful than others. Some are bad, but ultimately entertaining in their badness (see: "The Greatest Show on Earth," " Titanic.") But I figured it might be fun to call out the top 10 pretenders to the throne... in my humble opinion. And to add a little excitement, I'll omit the Eastwood cannon ("Million Dollar Baby," "Unforgiven") not because they don't deserve to be on this list (Oh, how they do) but because my distaste for Old Man Eastwood is already well-documented.

10. How Green Was My Valley (1941) - "How Green Was My Valley" chronicles 50 years in the lives of a close-knit clan of Welsh coal miners.

And BOY, does it feel like it.

It took me 3 tries before I could make it through this movie. To make matters worse, it beat out "Citizen Kane."

-

9. Out of Africa (1985) - Very long, very beautiful, very zzzzzzzzzzz.....

Meryl Streep plays a woman in a marriage of convenience who is uprooted to Africa with her new husband, only to fall in love with a roguish Robert Redford. If you're ever out of sleeping pills, this movie will probably make a suitable substitute.

8. Oliver!(1968) - Wow. This is one of those movies where you really can't believe it was even nominated. Based on Dickens' equally painful novel, 'Oliver Twist" it's a big, ugly mess with catchy songs. But they aren't that catchy. Come to think of it, it's really not a very good musical - forget film. The whole thing's just painful from start to finish.

7. Tom Jones (1963) - This is mostly a victim of its era. Albert Finney plays the titular handsome womanizer who only truly loves one woman. It seems as though this could be a charming movie, but I can't get past the ultra-sixties style of shooting and editing. It just seems like high-brow Benny Hill to me.

6. Gigi (1958)- Leslie Caron stars as an avant-garde French waif being groomed as a courtesan for the affluent and handsome Gaston. Another long boring musical. It was actually one of my favorite films as a little girl. However, it doesn't age well and, watching it as an adult, I have no feeling for these people and I just wanted to get to the end.

5. Chariots of Fire (1981)- Parts of this movie were interesting, but unfortunately they come between all the other parts. Supposedly this movie is primarily about two runners training for the Olympics in Britain, one christian and one Jewish, but the story gets muddled down with way too many characters that come and go and it's impossible to keep all their stories straight. For a pretty boring movie, it's almost frenetic in its story structuring. To make matters worse, it beat out "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

4. Gladiator (2000) -

CGI tigers.

Joaquin Phoenix.

Spartacus rip-offs left and right.

"Am I not merciful?"

How did this piece of crap ever win? Watch "I, Claudius" instead. To make matters worse, it beat out ... well take your pick: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," "Erin Brokovich," "Chocolat," and "Traffic."

3. Crash (2005) - This is the kind of movie Hollywood loves to make to pat themselves on the back. It explores racism "light." You see anyone can be racist. But racism is bad. Racism pushed Sandra Bullock down the stairs. "Do the Right Thing" was far more bold and challenging all of 20 years prior and it only got a writing nomination. Proof positive that the academy doesn't like a movie that really tackles the issue and presents no clear cut solutions. To make matters worse, "Crash" beat out... again, take your pick: "Good Night and Good Luck," "Capote," "Munich" and "Brokeback Mountain."

-

2. Ben Hur (1959)- I think I'd rather be chained in the bowls of a ship, rowing my life away than ever to have to sit through this epic piece of crap again. Quite frankly, I wasn't even that impressed with the damn chariot race.

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1. An American In Paris (1951)- Oh. My. God. "Singing in the Rain" is one of my all time favorite films, but this numbingly boring Gene Kelly vehicle is all "dream ballet" and no charm. I've watched it twice because it seems like I must have missed something the first time.

Nope.

This is one long, painful, boring, waste of time. To make matters worse, it beat out "a Streetcar named Desire."

STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!