Saturday, January 23, 2010

Guest Columnist: Gianna's Worst of the Decade

Here is the Worst of the Decade. Please not that I only list the films I actually watched, which is why some of the truly terrible are not on the list. Instead of me giving my opinion, I decided to let the critics do it for me.

The Worst of the Decade

An American Carol (2008, Dir: David Zucker)“about as funny as an exploding toilet seat for hemorrhoid-induced senior citizens”

Battlefield Earth (2000, Dir: Roger Christian)“watching Battlefield earth is to a movie-watching experience what having a yeast infection is to having sex.”

Beyond the Sea (2004, Dir: Kevin Spacey)“one of those labors of love, that reminds you that love is blind.”

Cat in the Hat (2003, Dir: Bo Welch)“The best argument yet for extending artists rights beyond the grave”

Contender (2000, Dir: Rod Lurie) “The most offensive film of the year”

Crash (2004, Dir: Paul Haggis)“How many racists does it take to screw in the point?”

Family Stone (2005, Dir: Thomas Bezucha)“A miserable misfire that might explain why so many people take their lives during the holidays.”

Four Christmases (2008, Dir: Seth Gordon)“The acrid, wince-worthy Four Christmases may well be part of the war on Christmas Bill O’Reilly’s always foghorning about.”

Georgia Rule (2007, Dir: Gary Marshall)“If Hollywood keeps cranking out movies like Georgia Rule, specially tailored for the second Sunday in May, we should probably just cancel Mother’s Day.”

Gigli (2003, Dir: Martin Brest) “It’s a sorry statement when the most subtle performance is the kid with tourettes.”

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000, Dir: Ron Howard)“Watching it approaches the disturbing experience of being bedside as a loved one expires from a terminal disease.”

I Am Sam (2001, Dir: Jessie Nelson)“There are few films that imprint a sense of complete and utter violation on the viewer like I Am Sam, easily the worst film of 2001.”

I Know Who Killed Me (2007, Dir: Chris Siverston) “Horror/thriller/pile of excrement.”

Isn’t She Great (2000, Dir: Andrew Bergman) “Here is a movie that needed great trash, great sex and great gossip, and at all the crucial moments Susann is talking to a tree.”

Lake House (2006, Dir: Alejandro Agresti) “I couldn’t spoil the plot if I wanted to, since I have no idea how it all ties together.”

Million Dollar Baby (2004, Dir: Clint Eastwood)“After his wildly over-praised Mystic River, Eastwood delivers another sucker punch, and the critics have fallen for it again.”

New Moon (2009, Dir: Chris Weitz) “Oh God…make it stop.”

New York Minute (2004, Dir: Dennie Gordon)“part of our ongoing national lobotomy.”

Pay it Forward (2000, Dir: Mimi Leder)“No wonder Arlene keeps a bottle of vodka in the chandelier. You would too with this demonic, passive-aggressive, New Age munchkin trying to run your life.”

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004, Dir: Kerry Conran)“A 70 million dollar novelty item.”

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones (2002, Dir: George Lucas) “Yes it’s better than Phantom Menace. Think for a minute how little that means.”

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (2005, Dir: George Lucas) “The good news is that Lucas promises that this is the last Star Wars movie. Hallelujah.”

Stepford Wives (2004, Dir: Frank Oz) “Would I see it again? I’d rather pass a kidney stone.”

Surviving Christmas (2004, Dir: Mike Mitchell)“Ben Affleck needs to stop making movies.”

Transformers (2007, Dir: Michael Bay) “A sensory attack that drives us into tiny little fetal balls on the ground, whimpering that we must have liked it because the car effects looked cool.”

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009, Dir: Michael Bay) “Fallen indulges Bay’s excesses well past the point of reason to deliver the male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass.”

Twilight (2008, Dir: Catherine Hardwicke) “I’m glad I saw Twilight for one reason: it made the phrase ‘jump the shark’ obsolete, to be potentially replace with ‘the vampires are playing baseball.”

Upside of Anger (2005, Dir: Mike Binder) “Binder’s film is a raging morass of misogyny, a self-congratulatory exercise in mental masturbation.”

The Women (2008, Dir: Dianne English) “Abandon hope all ye who enter here: Strange casting and a lousy script make The Women the sort of film that’s pure torture to sit through.”

Wicker Man (2006, Dir: Neil LaBute)“This is the kind of film for which Golden Raspberries were invented.”

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